Obituaries tell nice, neat little narratives about each of our lives. I've been thinking about them a lot lately, since the death of my grandmother a few weeks ago.
In them, there is probably information about our parents, where we were born, where we worked and for how long, our children or grandchildren (if we have either), where we went to church (if we did), and any activities or hobbies that we enjoyed: stamp collecting, volunteering, crocheting, sitting on our couch and drooling as we watched movie after movie. Of course, saying that we sat around all day, wasting our lives by munching chips and watching movies probably wouldn’t score a place in an obituary. They aren’t necessarily the place for such honesty.
An obituary is the summary of a life in five paragraphs or less.
Usually, it seems that the longer the obituary, the more important the person. The lucky people get to have pictures included with their obituaries—that’s how we know that the person was really important, or at least really missed. My brother’s obituary did not include a picture, and it was very brief. I don’t suppose the family wanted to call any undue attention to the nature of his death. Suicide has a stigma and a strange tendency to be contagious.
My grandmother’s obituary was long and included a picture. She had worked for over thirty years as a loan officer in a local bank. Many people in the community knew her. Her name in the obituaries was probably recognized by more people than who attended the modest memorial service.
I’m not sure about my other grandparents’ obituaries. I think that they were the average length—long enough to explain that my grandparents were vital citizens and worked hard and contributed to society and had children who have had children, fulfilling their obligations to the community and their own lineages.
Sometimes, obituaries are written by the funeral parlor. Other times, they are written by family. How do you even begin to encapsulate a life in words? How can we contain a human life in the horizontal prison bars of sentences? Is a human life ever so linear?
Some theorists claim that we give meaning to our lives in reverse. We look back and attempt to attach meaning to the events in our lives. We think, “Oh, X happened because I chose Y, which led to me to moving to Z and to meeting Q.”
Some belief systems might claim that each life begins with meaning because each life has a special purpose to fulfill. In other words, the events in our lives are not random, and the patterns we may find when looking back are simply the multi-colored threads of a Master Weaver.
How would you summarize your own life in five paragraphs or less? What things would you include or leave out? What do you want your last impression to the world to be?
For my obituary, I want only a single sentence:
Sarah Elizabeth White knew that each healthy breath she took was a treasure, each morning she woke was a privilege, and each person she met was gift.
It seems too easy to take life for granted—life, the breathing in and out-ness of our days. But, all you have to do is stop for a moment and remember those who do not lead a so-called “normal” life like the majority of us. Children die from cancers and defects. People around the world live in Cities of the Dead in such destitution that I am ashamed each time I lament how little money I make but can still afford my various vices and always return home to a warm bed and clean clothes.
What difference do the particulars of my middle class life mean to the world? What difference do my hobbies make to a stranger who might read my obituary? Why should anyone care where I went to college?
What matters, in the end, is that I continually endeavor to deserve what I had been given and try not to squander it.
2 comments:
Obituaries have changed over the last 10 years, not to mention the last 100, especially at the ease of digital technology. I would agree that the length may have previously indicated a person's importance, but not always. My paternal second great grandmother died in 1922. Her obituary is over 600 words, and she was but a farmer's wife - not an important community figure head. It is quite a glorious written description of her life. Sometime obituaries are honest and it helps genealogists uncover the past. My paternal second great grandfather's obituary mentions that he was divorced from his first wife prior to 1902. A small tidbit that may not give you the complete details, but allows you to ponder how their life may have been. For some, mourning is private, and it is barely announced in the paper. For publications it is a business opportunity to make money. Obituaries can be an important written history, but often are filled with errors. Great importance should not be placed on a document that was not created by the deceased individual. Life is not about your achievements, but about the time spent in between the achievements. Your middle class life means the world to me. I love you.
This is true. An ex-friend of mine, her grandmother died, and her obituary pretty much took up a whole page. She only lived in one town. I don't see why it was such an importance to talk about every vacation that she took in her life, at least she's in peace now. The same thing for my big brother. No picture. It was quite devastating because how was I supposed to know it was really him and not a mess up they did? Who knows with obituaries nowadays. By the time I pass, it might be even up to 2 pages. I pray to the Lord that will not happen. I'm nothing special. But, I understand where you are coming from.
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